Over the last couple of weeks I’ve seen stacks of social media posts online from people utterly hating on the fact that they’re single, especially with Valentine’s Day on the horizon.
And I get it, honestly I do – I’ve been there. However I’ve learned that the single life is nothing to be hated; in fact it’s something to be embraced… and I’m determined to remind you of how and why that's important.
Like I say, I’ve been that unhappy single lady; I’ve been the one who’d rather stay in mediocre or downright unhealthy relationships than be on my own, and the one who was so miserable to be recovering from yet another break up while all my friends seemed to be settling down that numbing my feelings with booze, food, or all sorts of other coping mechanisms.
Then a few years ago, after the end of a particularly unsatisfying relationship, I realised that was a ridiculous place to be. Thinking it would take someone else to complete my life put me in the headspace of “needing” someone, which left me a lot less choosy and a lot more likely to settle for less any of the things I actually deserved.
What I actually needed was to build the life that I loved, with or without another person, so that when they turned up they’d be complimenting a life that was already pretty flipping amazing.
So that’s what I set off to do; heal the wounds and relationships from my past so that I not only felt free of the painful breakups and experiences I’d had, but also ditched the baggage associated with those – being able to recognise my own awesomeness without needing someone else to remind me of it every day.
I started taking time out to appreciate the places where my life was already great, and working to feel, understand and change all of the less than great stuff as it came up rather than drinking, eating, shopping or Tindering in a desperate attempt to quickly fix anything that didn’t feel so good.
And I started building a life for myself that I was proud of, comfortable with and fulfilled in; a life that was full of the things I loved but still had space for the perfect person when they turned up.
What I found was that the more of this I did, the happier I became, and the less that need for a relationship reared its head.
Not only did I did I feel better in myself, I also felt less pressure from the outside world too; or more, when those comments and questions did come my way I was more comfortable in answering them.
And the more I worked on building a life that loved, the more I started to realise I’d never someone else to make me feel settled or fulfilled.
That’s not to say I’m counting it out; after a while of staying purposely single I’ve come to a place where I’ll be totally comfortable to change my status when the right person and the right relationship comes along, but it does mean that I feel less pressure to find that person and am way more comfortable to wait for something that’s right, rather than settling in the same way I have before.
In the mean time though all of that work means I’m more comfortable on my own, more confident in myself and my choices, and way happier.
It’s something I’m proud of, and a feeling that I love to help bring out in other women too, which is why I set out to do the work that I do.
Even when a business coach told me that “working with single women is a great idea – you should work on helping them find the right relationship, because that’s all anyone wants”, I had to disagree… and looking around Facebook and Instagram now I disagree even more.
Because in reality finding the right relationship is only part of the puzzle of life and happiness. The work I love to do is like the foundations for that; it’s about building the relationship with yourself and creating a life that feels better whether you’re coupled up or flying solo.
If you’re single this work is about helping you to feel more comfortable and happier in your life as it is; making you less likely to sack off the wrong relationship patterns once and for all and more likely to attract the right person for you when they come along.
If you’re in a relationship it means you can enjoy your partner and everything they bring to your life rather than them to make you feel complete or to make your life feel worthwhile.
As you can probably tell, this is a big one for me, so if it’s something you’d like to know more about and get a sneak peek of then head over to my Facebook page. I’ll be hosting a special Valentine’s self love party there on Wednesday 14 Feb and would LOVE it if you could join me!